I’m here to fight the patriarchy too.
Why had I spent so long thinking feminism was not for me — and moreover, that it was actively against me?
When I was a teenager, I felt very certain that I was not a feminist. I didn’t exactly understand the textbook definition of feminism, but I had a pretty good sense from the negative connotation I had gleaned while growing up in a narrowly Christian setting.
Feminism was about an alternative lifestyle. It was about women who wanted something outside of the ordinary, who eschewed traditional romance and fashion and pastimes. It certainly wasn’t for someone like me, who dreamt of having a family, loved to wear pretty dresses and fancy shoes, and learned at a very young age how to bake a mean apple pie.
My life has never been a statement against the establishment. In fact, I have always fit very neatly within the lines of patriarchal society. I got engaged at 18. I quit my job to stay home and raise children. I loved baking so much I started making my friends’ wedding cakes.
And unfortunately, when I was younger, I thought that meant I wasn't a feminist.
I didn’t understand that feminism could support my traditional lifestyle.
I didn’t realize feminism was, at its core, a means of leveling the playing field so all women could live out the life that felt most authentic to them.
I didn’t have to be part of a lesbian activist couple, or climb the ranks in a corporate job to spite men in order to be called a feminist. If I wanted to have a whole bunch of babies and stay at home baking pies and cakes all day, that was totally fine. I could still be a feminist.
This is exactly what I do, and a feminist is exactly what I am.
When I finally came around to the idea of feminism, I felt like I had spent my life weirdly and unnecessarily misguided. Why would anyone be against equality for women? Why shouldn’t we all have the opportunity to live out the most fulfilling version of our lives?
Why had I spent so long thinking feminism was not for me — and moreover, that it was actively against me?
I understand where the discomfort with my lifestyle comes from. I am a privileged part of the status quo. I don't have the strong need to rage against the patriarchy because it doesn't affect my life with the same adversity.
While part of my misconception was obviously due to my ignorance about the definition of feminism, part of it was also due to the femme-phobic rhetoric I was used to hearing from many so-called feminists. The versions of feminism I had seen touted never reflected my lifestyle and my interests.
I saw feminism that railed against tradition with a seething hatred. I read articles that belittled me for choosing to take my husband’s last name. I read comments that called me a “breeder” when I decided to have multiple children and still dared to call myself a feminist.
I absorbed the troubling rants against princesses and dolls and dresses and traditional gender roles, and with each jab at my chosen lifestyle, I felt a little more excluded from feminism, despite my undying love of what it stood for.
Of course, I understand where the discomfort with my lifestyle comes from. I am a privileged part of the status quo. I don't have the strong need to rage against the patriarchy because it doesn't affect my life with the same adversity.
Fitting within the box makes my life comfortable, and far easier than it is for those with their skin on the line for gender equality. Some women need feminism more than I ever would. I understand that.
However, the femme-phobic mindset does nothing to further feminism. In fact, attacking women who identify as feminists because they personally favor traditional femininity is downright illogical. There is no need to hate or exclude my lifestyle simply because it fits comfortably within a patriarchal society.
Rail against misogyny. Rail against the systemic injustices that have hindered women from flourishing. But don’t rail against my lifestyle choices because they don’t fit your idea of what a feminist ought to look like. I’m here to fight the patriarchy too.
And best of all, I’m bringing pie.
